It was 17 years ago, that I was preparing for what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I had brushed all the trauma of my three year physically and emotionally abusive relationship under the carpet, believing that dealt with them. Here I was doing what every girl dreams of, what society tells us is the 'norm' and what I thought would solve all my pain.
And it did of course, temporarily. What I had failed to realise as like many, no one had taught me about Emotional wellbeing, was that in order to be happy and fulfilled I needed to love myself, the love of another person was not going to paper over the cracks.
Following marriage, a new home was the arrival of two children (.4 off the 'ideal norm') and a dog, the life that we all are sold as the perfect life. Except for me that became a struggle. That overwhelming sense of motherhood bond you are supposed to feel at the birth of your child, replaced with an overwhelming sense of doom and fear. A continual and perpetual low that hung over me, despite loving my child very much. It made me feel like a bad parent, like I couldn't cope and therefore was a failure.
I worked hard, society had told me that too, I earned my own good wage and juggled full time work with childcare. I was one of those who screeched up to childcare with a minute to spare, grabbing the children and bundling them in the car, frequently still stood in the kitchen at 7pm doing dinners with my coat still on. I missed school plays, forgot costume days and botched something together last minute on the morning of the event on too many occasions to mention.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be, there was always a piece missing inside of me. A part of the jigsaw that I just couldn't find, the one you build that 2500 piece jigsaw to find it isn't even in the box! My constant state of walking through life seemingly OK, with my sock slipping down inside my shoe, became the normal. The sense of having to keep a lid on things, to paint a smile on your face like everything is good, became tiring.
I was on and off antidepressants, like many believing that they were the magic bullet to cure all of this fog that I felt in life. I started to read every self help book available to me, a desperate attempt to understand where my life had gone wrong. I started a Mental Health Psychology Masters, £16k and three years invested in finding the magic answer to that piece of me still missing, the reason I constantly felt homesick, without knowing where home was.
14 years after my marriage had started I decided that I needed to go it alone, I hadn't been in a marriage, I had simply existed for far too long. I had a great friend, but I needed more, and little did I know that was myself. I never wanted to rock my children's world, but for my own sake, I had to find myself, to love myself and to understand my emotions, thoughts and beliefs in order to survive.
I ended up here, knee deep in notes, affirmations and books. I will always for my children's sake regret the hurt that I put them through, but in life without a love and understanding of ourselves, our brains and emotions we will continue to live an unconscious limited life, creating our own issues without even knowing. We need to be teaching it to our children and loved ones, it is simply not enough that as children we are taught to tie our laces and about our external world, we need to be teaching them to be able to identify, manage and control the emotions, beliefs and thoughts in able to proactively working against mental health in the society we live in today.
Its not an easy road to travel, it takes commitment to achieve, but like a small pebble on a railway track, if the train is stationary it will prevent it from moving, yet as the train starts to move with pace it will smash the pebble out of the way unnoticed. All big step start with a small one, but once we gain momentum, understanding and pace, we are unstoppable.
Nurturing Emotional Wealth was born.
Life is tough and we all suffer. Modern day living and experiences mean that we all have more stress, burden, anxiety and depression than ever. We don't know how to deal with them effectively and we work hard to manage them with avoidance, the very thing that leads us to depression and anxiety. We become our own self fulfilling prophecy.